How to say no at work (and beyond)
This piece is part of a series by Calypso, The Know’s resident careers expert, which is all about helping you level up in your career.
Calypso Barnum-Bobb is a self-discovery coach who helps people express their most authentic selves so they can create lives they’re truly obsessed with.
Many of us have a negative association with the word “no” - especially in the workplace. If we’re working in a career we want to progress in, we can often worry that saying no will affect how we rise the ranks or how accepted and celebrated we are by the powers that be.
But no is quite simply a boundary - it’s a decision that you don’t want to do or accept something. And boundaries, put simply, are your limit; they protect your emotions, your personal space, your time and your energy. They are like an invisible line between you and somebody or something else.
Setting boundaries can feel like a big scary thing - especially for women, who often worry about being perceived as demanding or difficult. But saying no and setting a boundary can create a positive, almost domino-like effect as it gives the people around you permission to say no too. Here are my tips for doing it:
Practise your nos
Outside of a specific work situation that you want to say no to, practise saying no in other areas of your life. For example, if a friend asks you to go for dinner on a Tuesday at 9pm, tell them no as a way of practising how asserting a boundary makes you feel. This can be really powerful.
If you don’t feel completely comfortable with doing this, you can let people in your life know that saying no is something you’re working on. Tell a friend, partner or family member: “I’m really trying to say no more at work and set boundaries, so I’m putting this into practice when I can in my personal life, too.”
You can also ask them to hold you accountable and support you as you practise saying no.
Get clarity on your no
It’s really important that you think about why you want to say no. You don’t need to ever explain your nos to someone but sometimes defining them to yourself internally can make the simple act of setting a boundary and saying no easier.
For example, if you want to say no to staying at work beyond 5.30pm, think about the reasons why (spending time with family or friends, perhaps?) to remind yourself of why you’re setting this boundary.
The why doesn’t need to be an external thing - this is more for you. In my experience, defining why you’re saying no becomes the rocket fuel behind you actually delivering the no.
Consider where the ask is coming from
Before you assert or deliver your no, think about the holistic situation and why this request is being made of you. Have a level of empathy for the person making the request - whether that’s your manager, a colleague or a client. While it may be that they are just being difficult, it could also be because they’ve had a request put on them and are passing it down.
Recognising the pressures that might have been placed on the other person when you deliver your no can help them feel seen. This in turn makes your boundary-setting more likely to be effective.
Deliver your no in a clear, straightforward way
When declining an ask, you want to be direct and concise - don’t muddy the water by using phrases like “I don’t think so”. Be really clear that what you are saying is no.
You may want to deliver your no in the moment, as soon as you get the request. Or, you might want to carve out a specific time to deliver this boundary so that you feel calm and in control as you do it.
For example, if you are being asked to pick up your boss’s dry cleaning at lunchtime, you could book in a call with your manager to say: “At lunchtime, I want to do XYZ, so I can’t do this task during that hour.” Having a set time to discuss and deliver your no means you’re meeting the other person in a place where there isn’t the same pressure and tension, so they’re likely to hear you a little clearer.
Finally, reinforce your nos
Hopefully, the person you say no to will hear you and respect you, which means you’ll only have to communicate your no once. However, humans are creatures of habit, so sometimes you might need to reinstate your boundaries (of course, in a serious, non-work setting, a no should be heard the first time).
Having to reinforce your nos can be upsetting and infuriating. Keep your stance, stick to your guns and if someone tries something again, remind them of your boundaries by saying: “No, I can’t do that unfortunately.”
Lean on support if your nos are being overlooked and you feel like you’re being pushed around. Chat to HR or your manager - or their manager - if you need to. The workplace may be hierarchical but as humans, we all deserve to have our boundaries respected and to be heard when we say no.