Why don’t I like receiving compliments?

In this piece, we explore exactly how even positive comments about our appearance can negatively impact us, and how we can give better compliments for fostering self-love.

A few days ago, a friend told me she doesn’t love getting compliments about her appearance. The conversation was sparked by a recent chat she’d had with her flatmate, where the roomie told my friend that she has the “perfect bikini body.” Although flattered, my pal struggled to find the right way to tell her flatmate that she prefers people not comment on her body at all.

If you’re hearing that sentiment for the first time, it might sound a bit strange. After all, when people compliment your looks they obviously mean well - and it almost always results in an immediate boost to your confidence and mood. 

But my friend’s feelings aren’t uncommon. Many - especially women - are asking the people in their lives to switch up the language they’re using to compliment each other. 

What’s behind this push?

It comes down to the philosophy behind body neutrality. Think of it like a cousin to the body positivity movement, which aims to move us away from diet culture and to empower everyone to love their bodies. 

Body neutrality switches it up through being purposefully distanced from the “love your body” bit. While body positivity has helped many many people, others have come to realise that focusing too much on their own appearance, or aiming for a high degree of aesthetic self-love as an end goal, just reinforces negative thought cycles about their looks. So, body neutrality advocates argue that we should spend less time thinking about our bodies altogether. 

But don’t compliments only do good? Isn’t a good comment about your body an improvement on not thinking about your body at all?

It’s a good question. And don’t get us wrong - there are lots of people who love receiving compliments!

But for others, hearing even positive comments about their appearance makes them feel like they need to uphold a certain standard. As hypnotherapist Helen Birch puts it, it can create a “vicious body image relationship”, where the pressure to live up to ‘positive’ attention can increase self doubt, and push you to “extreme and dangerous measures.”

Take the “perfect bikini body” comment, for instance. It suggests that there’s a very narrow category of ideal shape and size that we should all be aiming for. As my friend put it, that idea makes her anxious - will she still be worthy of compliments if one day she doesn’t look like that anymore? Will people still think she’s attractive if things change - or just if they catch her in less “flattering” lighting? 

After all, the things we’re often complimented on echo the patriarchal, eurocentric ideas that continue to define what we consider beautiful today. The notions of a “bikini body”, a “great butt”, or a “perfect nose” share a hidden-yet-harmful suggestion - that there are non-bikini bodies, bad butts, and imperfect noses. And the historical ideas that defined those categories continue to marginalise many. 

Beyond that, looks aren’t something many people want to be defined by. They’re often not something that you can (or should!) control, and your appearance is entirely unrelated to your quality as a person. While feeling beautiful is important - and hearing nice things from the people you love and admire can feel very special - there are ways to go about it that don’t entrench harmful standards nor compromise our peace. 

So how can I give better complements?

First off, be conscious that some people don’t love certain kinds of compliments. If there are people in your life who prefer not to hear about how they look at all, point out things about their character and accomplishments that impress you instead. Why not tell people that you appreciate their wisdom, humour, or kindness - rather than that you really appreciate their perky bum?

  Of course, there are also tonnes of people who do welcome compliments about how they look. If you are complimenting someone’s appearance, consider focusing on things they’ve chosen - a new tattoo they’ve gotten done, the cool colour they’ve dyed their hair, or their ultra-chic outfit. Or, just try being sensitive about comparative comments - avoid words like “perfect” or “good” that suggest there are looks that we shouldn’t aspire to, and opt for less exclusive adjectives instead.